Right Up My Alley

First thing I thought of when he said he wanted steak tonight was that he got a raise. I so depend on him and don't want him to ever go away. We all leave this world someday, I pray we have a lot more years together. That is why I am being strong and holding onto the fact that I have't got it in me anymore to work the way I have been for the last 10 years. Had a good thing going at the clothing store, but the stress of the bipolar/codependency got the best of me there, was hard to always be inside, not enough to do to keep me busy. Didn't like knowing what others were saying, actions speak louder than words in just about everything, I've come to believe, and a growing need to make more of my own decisions.

Yet, had that all possible for me and seemed to shoot it down. Trying not to shoot anything down anymore. Trying to rise above it. What do I have to do to stay positive and do the work I need to do to make a successful living?

Glad to go into the college library today, reading helps me feel ok. At least it keeps my dreams at bay.

Looking at options for studying Word, Excel and other Window processing things. I enjoyed seeing there is a need for web developers and graphic artists. An interesting study, the type of computer work that is right up my alley.

It gives me a purpose and I pray I can handle it and follow through. It is my nature not to, and bipolarness doesn't help that either. We are labeled with being unable to finish things, boo hoo, this is true, but my astrology sign says that too. Feels like I got a double whammy after me. Gotta find a way to take care of this stuff, get to meetings about bipolar, so I can get some sort of healing. Wouldn't that be a kick, to find a path connecting bipolar and native learning stuff?

I can do office type, computer work for many more years to come. If I balance it with getting up and moving around so my bottom doesn't go numb.

Is it just enough to do all this computer stuff well enough to get paid GREAT money for it? Can I do it without money being my god? Suppose to do what I love, not for money, it is a false motivator, too many times took on a job just to pay the bills, then resented it.

I am taken care of always I know that, but I want to be able to have my own money to do the things we think are important. Like spending money on family rather than myself. It gives us some distance and enough material wealth to live out in the country. Hope the time comes soon we will get back in the habit of visiting our friends down south, instead of waiting on them to come here. People time again, with spring and summer pleasures and holidays.

So steak tonight there darling, you greatly encourage me to do my best and keep on lovingly caring for me. When more experts say helping others is the way to succeed, I balk at first, then get up and do it, I am always surprised and relieved, it really does work!