It Is Only A Name, Not According to A Passport....

Really, I would have to be the one to step up to the plate and not be afraid of mucking someone else's good name up. I haven't with the one I got, what is my real worry? The marriage part, face reality.

"We do not control all the processes of our being, sometimes we have but to notice, that is all. There are no new truths, but only truths that have been recognized by those who have perceived them without noticing." Complex, what does it mean?

Oh these deep dark books I find myself reading late into the night, winter mornings i just don't like having to leave for work this early in the morning. Soon very soon, I look forward to having mornings off for awhile. Financially it always scares me, yet it feels like the best thing to do for a nurtured self.

To the best of my ability, I will keep paying on my bills, that will mean cutting back on all my private spending of music and books and cafe lunches and whip creme espresso. Maybe it is the best self care I can do because it stops me from splurging over my budget and taking money out of savings or using a credit card.

It keeps me working harder than I need to, at jobs I don't really like because I don't want the truths of my spending to be found out. Help me stick to no longer touching money that is being saved for a rainy day, doesn't matter, maybe for all the road trips I have lamented about. We could be ready for that kind of life if I didn't over spend, instead of hating to have to work. Too much of a merry go round now for me to wrap my head around it and find peace.

More so just the exposure to one on one working is what is hardest. Trying now to see if hiring more people can keep store open longer for bigger customer contact. Working part time keeps the insurance premiums down too of course. I do try to be a good juggler. But there is such a thing as more than we can handle.

The fear of being wrong tomorrow,I let go of the trusting myself and this path I have chosen. It is a good responsible route, I am never alone in my decisions, God doesn't forsake me, I often neglect myself when I turn my world all topsy turvy trying to balance spending and money, home life and work. My dreaming self aches to become part of the living, I am trying to be creative and devote more time to myself. Is it more a giving up of some scheming? I am not alone, we have a good relationship, honey too, working hard to replenish the savings accounts.

I am grateful that we even can in this life. I have so much more money and resources than I did then to make ends meet. It is not an all or nothing existence any more, thank God. His love for me is real and caring, I realize I still tend to get afraid of that too. I've committed myself to working at least 2 more years before I look into any kind of disability, and maybe that is the route to get help and training I need to create this something worthy that demolishes the shame and says see? See what, damn, let go, just let it go girl.

Whoever said a creative life was bad, is a LIAR!

I go ahead and do what others don't agree with, so the shamed child can stand up to the criticisms of it with some pride and no longer feel less than. To erase the voices that say people on disability are bad or lazy or sick or less than or incapable because they can't go to work like the rest of us. Some resentment there maybe, but after awhile the system works so good, it takes away the desire to work for yourself or something. This strong urge to fight against it, looks like too much of a trap for me. What I have been taught to believe isn't necessarily the truth. Find my own truth, keep my own truth. My truth is ok.

As much as being home with the children was my strongest desire, the fear of having to stay in their boundaries was impossible for me. Remember, disability is not the same as welfare, a person can still work to some degree. I choose now to become more willing to learn the facts about it for me. Today I choose to be brave enough to look into a mental health facility and see what is keeping me on this cliff of fog.

More doors are open, I am beginning to see, that until I walk through them, they remain a sore wound, unable to heal until I care for whatever is in that room. Then gently close the door, go to the next one, instead of these open doors uncovering all my body. No wonder I hide from a sense of vulnerability. For now, I have completed the necessary paperwork, again, they keep saying I forgot this and that, I will not give up, but if it happens again, maybe best to call them and say I'm confused, what more do they need.

I am not bragging by saying I do have a wonderful life now. In trying to trust this God of my understanding, it goes full circle, he helps me create, then what I create to some extent is his will. If I so happen to create something against his will, I get another chance, and another every time I again become willing and aware.

Had a wonderful break with my lover, snuggling up on the couch to watch tv, what a mind numbing way to spend our evenings, with us falling asleep. How wrong can it be when it is in each other's arms?

Nothing has to be justified with a comfortable love like that.

So soon my prayers are answered, why does it come as such a surprise? Somewhere I hear, "It isn't always in your best interest to fulfill the energy in all these dreams." Huh? What? Just because I dream it, doesn't mean I have to do it.

Now, I have a weekend get away, so soon I don't know if I can afford it, I always say the bills have to be paid first, why? When an opportunity presents itself, I love being able to participate in it. So unprepared it seems, get ahold of saving money first before asking for time off, I think I do in my dreams and then reality hits with expenses forgotten it seems.

A lifetime for some, a wink in the eye, pie in the sky to someone else. A thousand years is like a day, oh my gosh. Yes, it is hard to phantom sometimes. I literally cannot be that still, and nothing in this world is, or is it? Random acts, random thoughts, serendipity, eventually, periodically, are connected. I have learned to believe we are all connected in this web of earth.

With all the pent up energy I have this time of year, it is hard to channel it into something creative, to keep focus. We start to imagine all sorts of wonderful possibilities for us in the future, past another rude awakening that another life has left this earth. We have no guarantees that we will keep on living. All the more reason to travel someplace.

I have a way of jumping forward to the relaxed part I think we want in this life. You have patience and consistency to keep on working,and a sound philosophy that "It is only money." You trust our dreams and our work to always become and it does. I've seen it, yet if I am not in an active role of supplying it, I don't believe it. You accept it as who we are and the way it is in more ways that I can ever imagine and I give myself credit to be your helping hand.

Trusting you and your ability to trust in the nature of things. No matter how much I change my work, our mutual goals remain the same, to just keep working hard as we can for the higher ground, the money will follow.

We have strong business ethics, we fight for what we believe in, we do our jobs in ways that please our bosses, and bring us a sense of appreciation. Neither of us will do something just for the money or the prestige it can by, we have to feel good about the job itself, we find satisfaction in a job well done with dignity. So we believe, even if we tend not to act that way.

We are warriors in our own right, battling through the red tape of what society deems successful and what we struggle and fight for and believe. It is becoming more peaceful.

We make a good team. No longer an individual fight of you want this, I want that, we are comfortable with what we believe today to be, our future dreams are enough the same we live in perfect harmony. In all honesty, we find a way.

We are true to our special little trips together every year, no matter what, we take the time to plan them with a dinner date for just the two of us. Someday I'd like to see our little retreat grow from 3 days to at least 5, and when I get better about my career and put more money aside, those dream dates will turn into a month at a time vacation. Keep remembering it isn't always up to me.

I think it is more of being workaholics than it is a feeling of we don't deserve it, and the reality of being able to afford it, not just racking up another credit card bill. Someday we will step up to the plate in our planning and remember to save enough money to really have a vacation with a week off. Stop dreaming, start doing.

My impatience or fear maybe, keeps me from waiting that long, and I skip off for 3 or 4 days here and there, nothing wrong with that, and you do too, just because you don't go anywhere like me, doesn't mean it doesn't qualify as a vacation for you. And I have to admit it, sometimes I too just like the comfort of being home for days with a book and a page to say what I am feeling. We are learning not to deny and stuff our feelings, and to comfort our artist child by finding friends with whom we can safely vent our pain.

We don't let our needs become a gnawing hunger anymore before we follow a true path for ourselves. You go hunting or fishing, I go into the wilderness and run. Keeping physically fit is even more important to us now as the years begin to slow us down. Thankfully, nothing yet has not stopped us.

"Hey Babe, I see it this way, I don't think about or make plans on what I want to accomplish each year, I go with the flow and when I see something I want the way becomes clear." "Nice, honey, give me some of that spontaneous faith."

I look forward to the day I have his kind of trust, to just keep a walking the path he is on with the gentle voice of intuition as his best friend.

Need to find my insurance card too, maybe that and the birth certificate are in the safe. This silly game of one hand forcing the other to accomplish a simple thing. Doesn't matter what name I went to school with, what is so important about having a new name? Gives me an identity away from past shame? Now the mistrust of court rooms and judges when I go in to tell them I this different name, if they ask me why, a legitimate name for my ghost writer, is a good enough reason. It's not like I am a gangster running from the law or anything. A name holds special meaning, that's all and back to the shame, better than returning to my maiden name?

Just because for some reason I don't like court rooms doesn't mean an automatic no, judges can be helpful in many ways. Just kinda strange having money in two names, but not separate personalities, so I will just continue the process of discovering me in this dual identity. Maybe it's the thrill of being at risk of getting myself in trouble with it, being marked with an alias doesn't sound good. Maybe that is what I am afraid the courts will bring up, my past, so what, I don't have any criminal charges hanging over me in any way, just a once before part way changing my name, they've made it harder to do now that's all, not impossible. It's just a natural desire to carry the name of the one you love for women in this society. I want his name even if he won't marry me, he is so responsible in every way, what are we both afraid of?

Clear up the fear, quit hiding, you are not guilty, quit looking like it. Become one with yourself.