Gentleness of Deer Medicine

Continue to take Medicine Wheel classes, the drive isn't really all that far away, doing these things I love. The depth of me needs to be fed, learning these old ancient ways. Help me step up to the plate, let me not be afraid of my work schedule or any other conflict with it. My will is God's will, so they say.

With the gentleness of deer, my heart strings only respond and do the will of the voice that asks me with utmost tenderness to trust and find a way to do the path to great mystery in the most honorably creative way I find possible.

Everything above, below, north, south, east and west helps us if we are willing and become aware. That is a good enough excuse to take breaks from work, to become willing and aware, let not that devotion be in vain to helping my mate to reach his resting level.

"Baby, take a break, come sit with me awhile, we are ok, we are doing good enough, the depth of our love will get us through all the fears of our tomorrows."

"Yes, ok, my love, thank you for your patience, I will take a moment to breathe", I begin relaxing as your gentle touch on my thigh builds up to a passion of inner knowing that your loyalty is just for me. I gaze up at the cloud people in awe as my body stretches and grows warm while your fingers silently, gently caress me into a state of passion that camouflages the worry away.

We lie on the grass feeling the rhythm of the earth, as we move seamlessly in one breath to a climax that leaves us both satisfied and relaxed. The birds in the trees have their say and we laugh, contently.

Yet, still, I'd like to become brave enough or whatever it takes to create and do a weekly course of peaceful way healing stuff. Something keeps getting in my way, probably cause I haven't walked my talk good enough to pass it on, I am not, nor do I want to be a trained shaman or anything. Just the way I like learning about the earth and I love nature the same as the mother earth, father sky, great spirit books I read.

Feeling a part of the universe, even if not a part of the people is healing me and gives me a sense of identity.

The universe is ok, even with watching the horrors and dark sides of living portrayed on television I still hungrily believe in and fight for a more peaceful world.

That is why probably, some level doesn't believe I deserve it all for myself, or the lazy side of me doesn't want to work that hard to make the kind of money I would need to own a place like that. Yet, who said I'd have to work hard to achieve my dreams? What about the books and people who say and have these wonderful places to live. They are no better nor worse than me. I need not feel guilty, it is just not my place in the world. We own this place here and it has a beauty of nature and lots of possibility, we always wanted to travel more and do things with the kids before pouring money into the house. I'm just saying, it would of been nice to fix up the place more than it is. Even with both of us working full time, we've never put any more money than necessary into the house, so today I take a stand and say no more maybe someday.

I accept the reality of my world now as a no, not a dream I want to turn into reality. Cause then, I'd be pretty selfish, if ALL my dreams came true. I am loving more and more, my husbands attitude of not planning goals that far ahead. Each day's splendor is enough.

No longer will I struggle with what my original intent is. Doesn't it change over time anyway? Or am I somehow, someway, accomplishing Great Spirits wishes anyway because I keep trying to walk this way?

Maybe I am still walking my own trail of tears? As simple as it sounds, walking a life that is loving to me, is the loving path Great Spirit wants me on. Live life simply, just for today. It is a privilege to me these morning hours to myself in tune with nature. It gives me space enough during the day to accomplish my chosen tasks, to better relax in the evening with my husband. It has always been my choice, am just now beginning to allow myself to be comfortable with it, accept it, own it.

In someone else's eyes maybe they are wasted moments when I need to be doing art work or crafts. I am not less than or better than for choosing to sit in front of a warm wood stove fire that I build for my husband to come home to every day. He is comfortable with the way we've fixed up the place inside. And so am I. A level of comfort I can't explain comes over me sitting in the dark admiring the dancing flames that erupt from the wood and paper I added to bring the dying red embers back into flames of blue, yellow, red and gold. Comfortable fall turning into winter now. Some struggles are now over, hooray.

Devote more time to the sense of urgency to go on internet discoveries. So many networking options are available, as we become one in gentle urgency, let us not run from things we feel will tie us down.

It has grown so huge over the years I have lost my people connection to it, Technology continues to elude me, yet people contact web wise has grown immensely and has a real network of possibilities forming. Full of the human touch, can we handle it without a physical intimacy? We'll see, putting pictures online is the latest great thing.

Thankful for our nature guides.

I swear it gets us in touch with our inner compass. Helps us focus and illuminates stress. I still have an extremely hard time focusing on all the choices floating around for me. I'm finding myself not able to accomplish any of them because I don't want to be committed. Truth be told I don't like being held accountable any more than the next guy. Obviously some people are more relaxed in that environment than I. Even with these good dreams of closeness, I have no concept of how to deal with the pangs of sadness with seeing the new house being built in the woods. I heard myself saying "I always wanted one of those, a house set back away from the road, facing he tree line with a long driveway up to the garage door and the house having lots of windows to see the yard and woods in every direction. Like a real live version of the dream I always carried in my head when I walked down this road. The sadness comes, not from dreaming it but from not having the ability to accomplish a place like that for myself. For ourselves, for our family.

Dark days come for all of us, we pull away and hide from people, places, and things, hibernate in our shadow selves, are we selfish for nurturing our crying child self in such a way that we cannot respond to the world at large, especially the world of materialistic celebration?

What do we want? What do we need? Where is an income we can rely on that gives us the time and energy we need to find shelter and let nature teach and be our guide? Where we can just be as Spirit leads us, where going with the flow of life brings renewed healing? A peaceful world, a community of loving caring people?

We begin by trusting the challenges of our inner compass. Trust the nurturing, accept and listen to the inner voice, empower the dreams.

How long would it take us to travel all 48 states? I accept I won't see Alaska, nor Hawaii, that is ok. I accept that by me not working full time again, it will take longer to get to that day to own such a thing. Maybe growth is changing us for the better, my working part time only sets us back some, not like we are losing everything and going into poverty. We both need this slower time of grace to refuel the fire. The dreams that keep yearning to be fulfilled, the dreams that are really mine, will keep coming back to me until I either give them away and forget about them, or artfully make them into concrete reality.

I accept it as God's will for us to be creative, to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I try not to be afraid of the venomous hate toward us for shining the light of truth into dark eyes. Even more true is the acceptance of it being totally out of our control those who choose to walk along the path of light. Even us who say we do, sometimes pull the wool over our eyes, hiding in the brilliance of it. Some are more willing and able, others still truly do choose the path of darkness, hard to believe that God allows that, as it goes, there is no day without night.

To lie on this earth right now we seem to need both.

I guess we can start by building closer relationships with our children, our spouses, our families in general. Often it seems easier to do with people who are strangers and become friends. Easier still to sit outside and watch the angel faces forming in the clouds. Sadness still holds a place in my heart for the living who have crossed over to the other side. It is true they are still with us, teaching, if we will listen.

The best exercise ever to clear your head is walking outside in nature.

Blame it on the fullness of my thoughts and dreams night after night, or the hibernating winter soon upon us, I don't go to bed now until after 1 am. There is a part of me that is afraid to go to sleep, it haunts me more in the fall. Probably connected in some way to early childhood traumas, that as much as I've sorted out to see and be me, an illusive spider web of emotional pain still dances with anger as intensely as this flaming fire.

The unknown of changing circumstances at work with the newly hired morning person coming in surely has something to do with my lack of sleep. All of my thoughts churn with the unknown. I will be teaching them, they will be teaching me, thankful for the shared responsibility. Thankful this is how I get mornings off, I sleep now, welcome to a new day.