Contemplating Goals

Listening to a Neil Young, CD. Must be a day for housework as the rain has come down so steadily there are puddles all over the yard. Time to get animals fed and really begin my day. Back of my mind thoughts to get thank you letter written to Mother for the little note trinkets she sends, words of joy and comfort she finds often and shares with me.

Contemplating 3-5 year goals at work again, thankful for the raise, after a year there, I hope so! Never seem to be able to relax when I am in a sales position though. Looking again for another day off, I really am not a full time working person anymore. No desire to manage any one else's store, so how could I ever own one? Just being on the computer all day, exploring is enough. Pushing away school ideas already to the spring. Not good to load up on too many ideas to be accomplished while working retail during the holidays. I am beginning to notice how easily I burn out that old candle at both ends. Wherever the goal came from to work someplace until I retire, is one I have to let go of, since for whatever reason the closest I have ever gotten is 14 years. Feeling like calling in sick, not all that uncomfortable, harder to sale things with a cold. Good excuse, one worth doing?

Thinking I'd learn all the aspects of running a business from all these classes I've taken over the years, only to find out that maybe my own business isn't really my cup of tea. Clear on the fact I don't have the knowledge, ability, or drive to want to do it with this company. The raise is nice and well deserved after being there a year. Thinking that I have to go to school to put a jewelry website online. My way of putting off things I don't know, instead of asking questions when I get stuck. Much of the process I can already do. Just adding to my list of excuses of things I am afraid to do when I get stuck.

I'm clearly not going to set myself up for failure by trying to get a degree in web technology during the holidays, working retail has enough stress in sales business. Learning to quit burning candles at both ends, the older I get, the less able I am to even pretend I can do it. Mistrust in my own abilities to create a jewelry web page, more a fear of rejection and criticism, even the helpful kind I can't stand. I've done plenty of schooling for other things. Just don't see myself long term staying here so why invest any more into it? Not the best way of looking at things. The only thing long term I have ever done is write, so continue.

So many benefits for both of us would be gained if I could trust myself to accomplish it. I suggested someone younger who understands the computer world better than me. A twinge of sadness came over me as I see his web business grow, now three years later, a sadness with the thought, it could of been me, but it is not. Only for lack of trust and the urge again to be my own boss.

The hurdles of self discovery were too painful to see, to make that a reality, our personalities clashed too much for that. Or whatever the case may be. This process is a huge letting go of me, and letting me see what is and isn't in my realm of possibility. Yet, in not learning computer systems better many of the same old dreams might never see reality if I don't try. Maybe unemployment would be a better training facility than just jumping out there to another job, just for the insurance I need. The nice thing about WORK-SOURCE is much of their in house training is for free. Yes, geared for getting people back to work, still, would be good for me to get my work skills polished and back into a career instead of just a job.

One thing about having a business online, means less time someone has to be in a storefront and opens up the demographic possibilities. So again, cut my own throat, give up on me, let someone wiser, younger, fulfill my good ideas and dreams, where does that leave me?

Onto another discovery, has gotten me to the place where I trust my intuition more fully, trusting that unknown possibilities are still within my reach, maybe it is time to trust I have worked hard enough and to just enjoy some moments to be. Haven't a clue what that even looks like, or what just ME is. Thank you for coming along and being a part of the process to see. For so many years, I have known going to school would benefit my jobs, never wanted a career, wanted to be home, raising my family. With Leon that is such a beautiful reality. The schooling I have accomplished is enough, we have a thriving business he wants to keep small, I have only needed to work for the extras, really.

The love of learning new things and getting paid for it, certainly.

I never realized until I began this soul journey how much easier and beneficial it is to remember our dreams when we keep track of the progress, by whatever means. Setting goals and dreaming up new dreams are easy, the hard part is going back and reading the writing, making active progress, outlines maybe of the needed steps.

College helps us organize and compartmentalize those skills. Review, review, something I am now excited to do, and over and over again, maybe the same forks in the road because I go in circles or forget to remember what direction I was headed on that day. Every year, we plan another bout with school, every year find something else to do. Same with our books and photography, when the next step goes into the fog where I can't see, I quit, change direction or need my own money.

Then work becomes my new dream and in trying to make that succeed, the important intuitive plan I had begun for me, gets lost in the debris of bringing in a new pile of ideas. Too much of a visual person maybe, too easy to put writing and pictures in boxes and hide them away, thinking they aren't that important to me, either that isn't the truth or I just don't want to let go, because then I'd be empty? Or then I'd see the freedom that has always eluded me. At least this storytelling is getting the journals to the next place. Committing to it for a month to complete feels good, like walking for 30 days without fail, such a good habit now, and quite healthy. To easy my troubled mind, this will do the same, yet do not be afraid to look into the mental illness part of it, not an illusion, reality.

So often, seems like on every page, every prayer I have prayed for has come to be, like the raise, I fly by them so fast and they've been such a normal occurrence in my life, I forget to be thankful for the blessings I receive daily, almost even without having to ask. I ask continually, I am answered and still doubt and don't believe I am doing the right task.

If nothing else, writing constantly, gets me through the winter hibernation that was driving me crazy, again, just couldn't be. At home, it is a perfect goal for home now and I will not let even signing up for unemployment again detour me from writing all these journals down again into book form. Quit dreaming of the books they may be. Write them first, and then see.

So reading what has been written is the BEST way to remember the dreams! Thank you for these tools that take the dreams of my soul and have the guts to be truthful about them and let them reveal themselves.

From the Native book for White Minds I just read this morning about truthfulness need not be so courageous. If it was a normal every day routine for more of us it wouldn't be such a huge obstacle to overcome and the ones that seem to struggle with it and make it happen at all costs are called courageous for it because it does take much courage to speak the truth in to to the hearts and people who for whatever reason are too afraid to let themselves believe or listen to what they feel.

God, I don't care if someone reads these words when I am dead and goes WOW, yes, I am afraid of them reading while I am alive and not saying anything, no praise, no reward, nothing from anyone about the great things I have done. But even only this far, a secret little part of me is happy, very happy that I am doing it, anyway. So I let go of the wanting to hear while I'm alive the WOW's from anyone else but the little small voice hiding somewhere in my heart of hearts.

So, what does it mean all these obstacles in the way? Never even got to the cost of the classes because I don't know how to get my computer to read the files. Also I don't know where my diploma is and I still have to find my birth certificate to get my name changed. So many things I've stopped myself from doin in this life because I didn't know how to do something at the moment or know where to go or make the time for my own best interest. What am I afraid of by getting a copy of my birth certificate and diploma? I am worthy of have all my stuff together in a save plank and owning up to my identity. OUCH! There it is. I've hidden from my true self for so long that I don't want to be fully known. That doesn't make sense. Maybe on some level I guess it does. It's given me an excuse to keep procrastinating about this stuff.

Obviously the name thing is real important to my little girl child because it comes up way too much and I'm running out of time to get my health insurance at any kind of discount. Which name do I use? Nothing wrong with asking help with the paperwork. I have to become willing to pay a necessary price for my health care. Who can I ask for help if I can't afford the premiums? Uh, hello, let the insurance place know if I can't afford them. Why am I always trying to hide? The sooner I do it, the sooner I can get a check up and make sure everything is alright, what I really need to accept and find and do is a mental health check up, that would be covered wouldn't it, just ask.

Fears of not being able to work cause I am too crazy? It would be nice in some ways, then I wouldn't keep thinking I had to, but the limitations of that, stuck into a zone of poverty payment and there would I be. I like being in charge of my own life too much to be on disability. There we go again with that pendulum swing, I truly am somewhere in the middle and it is not a sin to have a mental illness and get help for it. Another part of me that keeps jumping into my focus and I keep pushing it away. Deal with that first, it probably has more to do with me not completing things than I realize. Step up to the plate and call them first, then getting insurance might be easier.