Body of Tears

Crying cleanses the body, I read, I won't be so hard on myself then and try to hold it from running down my cheeks or making my heart throb, if it really does our physical body that much good, I'm ashamed for not crying every week. Thought I would share with you here, the piece on crying I was talking about. Written by a wonderful friend of mine, Anne Wilson, in her Native Wisdom for White Minds.

"Body Tears"

"The body is full of stuffed tears. Tears of grief and tears of rage and the steam makes the body cry. Then the body is ready to receive love. Many Native cultures include steam baths as part of the natural healing process." Angeline Locey, Hawaiian Healer and Kupuna

We store to much emotion in the body. We eat and drink too much of junk food things. We expect the body to keep on working without regular maintenance. We wouldn't let our cars go that long without repairs would we?

We stuff our feelings, hold in the emotions we've forgotten how to process. We refuse to face our fears, anxieties, and the unknown monsters of our diseases. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, slowly, the body becomes stuffed with tears.

We need to give the body the opportunity to cleanse and heal itself. We need to find ways to release all of the stored up grief and rage. Then we have the opportunity to receive what is there for us. After the tears have cleansed our bodies.

There is goodness and light and a better understanding of a rainbow world where peace is all about. "Beautiful huh?" "Of course," Violet said and rolled her big eyes. As she gave me a hug, she said, "You know I love it when you read your philosophy to me."

"Gladly, I laughed, 'Now, leave me alone so I can go back to reading this book." We begin to understand and feel freedom when we practice releasing our tears, detoxing the body with baths, and fasting, proper eating.

Let the Pain Spill it's Way Out.

Dear sweet mother, I love you, but deep in my gut is pain, doubt and confusion, there is no comfortable depth to our relationship, even though I do love having you around, you are a good grandmother to my children, as much as you see them.

It is you, I don't trust on many things, you were famous for half truths. I stopped asking questions partly because you didn't have an answer most of the time and snapped at me, or the one you gave was too many mixed truths, and I knew it, but never called you on it.

Never explained why you scared us on so many things, never said you were sorry or wrong, we just had to accept it however it was. So when dad called I wasn't too surprised you were in the hospital, I 'd been thinking about you pretty strong.

Sister Anabelle did tell me Mom had a cold, just dehydrated I guess, and feeling sorry for herself that she can't take care of herself well enough she ends up in the hospital. What is the real truth about that? Boy does that ever sound familiar. Is that where I get my guilt from when I have to go to the Dr? Makes sense, it is like a failure when we can't heal ourselves and have to go see them to make us well.

Huh, thanks for clearing that up! Surely would give an explanation to my blue spell, she and I both had some really long zombie days when I was a kid. I think I resented not being able to stay down as long as she did, cause somebody had to take care of everyone!

So, I didn't even consider running down there or anything to see her. At least I don't feel guilty anymore when she mentions the ones that do come visit her in the hospital. Ok, I get it, would be nice to visit more often, but I'd rather not do it when you're in a hospital unless you were dying. Don't ask me why, but now, finally, I am able to cry.

So those feelings I had were either a lingering sense of codependency or I really am getting better about listening to my intuition.

Either way, dad sounded comforted by our conversation, him sharing his worries about how hard he tries to take good care of her. He said her puppy dog eyes sends him over the edge in trying to reassure her that she is doing the best she can to get better, and let the Drs. help.

She does take pride in trying to monitor herself right.

We each have our own way of coping in the world. I'm glad I was already feeling more at peace going to work today and glad the girl that we interviewed is starting tomorrow, takes all the selling pressure off me.

Glad the God of my understanding has cared for my mom all this time and continues, am glad he takes care of me. It is obvious the does, even when I don't acknowledge it.

I am comfortable in my own skin today, although I didn't feel all that great this morning. But the dread I've been carrying around and the sadness and the I don't want to do it anymore thoughts are all gone now. especially now that I heard my mom was in the hospital. Then I realized I was carrying it again, or trying to, someone else's pain, burden, whatever. I realize I don't have to, but I don't always realize it's not mine until I hear about someone else that doesn't share their feelings with me but is so very connected.

Codependency or psychic, no matter. I learned to carry other people's pain automatically, maybe I will learn not to.

One thing that is hard for me at any kind of job I do, I can "feel" stuff around me about other people there too. It is who I am and how I deal with the world. The way I do or don't take care of myself in the process is what I'm trying to learn how to do so that I don't suffer needlessly for things that aren't my responsibility or even about me. I haven't read much of this chapter in these last couple days of writing. But I feel myself opening up and am fuller and refreshed as I go back to my ways of sitting at the computer and writing in here and talking to people on the phone. I really didn't want to be alone by myself anymore. Maybe it was because I just didn't want to go any deeper into myself anymore. I'd had enough. I just don't want to be alone anymore, period. I got closer to that fear wall, so close I clung to hubby and even cried in front of him. Then more or less begged to spend the day with him, really didn't know why.

Then felt guilty about not having a day at home to myself and doing what I want to, goodness, girl. Are you still that unsatisfied? Sometimes.

Our parents are having a hard time caring for each other. Both getting up in years. Mom worries herself sick every time Dad goes for a check up or something cause she's afraid she can't care for him. Then Dad get's so stressed out because she is in the hospital, he doesn't feel well when she gets better. She thinks it's just because people are copying her. Get over it, the world doesn't revolve around you, we always think it does, though it seems. They both need to know that it is ok they can't always be there for each other. Funny how they tell me that all the time, and that what Drs. are for, then they worry like this. Funny.

Dad seems to understand it better than Mom. She'll be all sad on her pity pot awhile and her body will shut down or cause her conflict in another part of her being. We can't get too close because she knows I'll bring up this truth that she's not comfortable with, her feelings. Me bringing it up she still won't want to look at any of her feelings, any closer than she does not. Not everyone believes like I do that the mind feeds the needs of the body, good or bad or believes, like I do that if you don't love yourself and take care of yourself you won't allow anyone else to love or care for you either. They can't love you if you don't love yourself. I still can't explain that the way I really feel it or the way I see it or how it effects all our lives, but I connect the dots of my reality better than I use to. For now, I think I'll go see if a good program is on television. I need a break from this philosophical wisdom or whatever for one night.

When I told Leon about the call, he said, "Ya know, wouldn't hurt us one bit to take a little rendezvous to a motel or something around your Mom's place." "That is why I love you so," I said, kissing his lips, "You come up with the greatest ideas." "Let's go plan it now."

We don't realize how hard we work sometimes, as my head lay back on the pillow I fell into dream land…looking forward to the steam bath at the spa we booked for the weekend in Arizona.